Kids, not what your expecting

When you were having kids, as you added each one to the family, did you ever get, not overwhelmed, but baffled by the love you feel growing in your heart and soul? It seems you are brimming to the top, and that your going to overflow at any second? It is a wonderful, but weird feeling.

I almost want to say it is like you love your first, but then you really love your second, and somehow impossibly you love your third even more. Not that you love that third child more, but it seems like you FEEL it, somewhere you didn't feel it before? Maybe it is because he is a baby right now, and likes to cuddle. But so does Judge. Or that they have been sick, and he still isn't feeling the best.

I don't know, but I seem to be feeling this a lot lately. It just makes me wonder what is in store for me here in the next few years. I am nervous about the ones we have. Are we raising them right? I think so. I am excited about the possibility of more, cause I can feel that they are there. But will we have them here on earth? Or will I be waiting for the eternities for them, especially for that little girl I would so like to have?

The latter concerns me the most, and I wish it didn't. I don't like the feeling it gives me when I think about it. You would think with three wonderful spirits, and I say wonderful because I know how special they are because of how the Lord made us wait and struggle with each, that I would be happy and unconcerned about more kids. But this feeling increases with each child. Not so much with Raiden, because we were so relieved to have him safe and sound. But Judge took so long to get here I was beginning to wonder. And then Ender, such a miracle, since we were wondering if there would even be anymore to come to us while here on earth.

I am nervous about more children. I feel like we should be having more, but is that just me? I get so sick and my body doesn't handle it well, but I am anxious for more already. Part of this I know is a phase I go through when my babies start to get independent. But it is a worry all the same.

I do have the boys, and for that I am eternally grateful. Hopefully there will be more to be grateful for.

I love them so much!